比起老一辈,当代情侣越来越不愿意妥协了。民政部调查报告显示,2018年全国结婚登记人数为1010.8万对,离婚登记人数为380.1万对,
Compared with the older generation, contemporary couples are more and more reluctant to compromise. According to the survey report of the Ministry of civil affairs, in 2018, there were 10.108 million couples registered for marriage, 3.801 million couples registered for divorce.
我们设想世界上存在天生一对,设想我们能够找到一个我们足够深爱的,毫不费力就能满足彼此各方面需求的人,从智力交流到亲密关系,从饮食习惯到兴趣爱好都和谐统一,并且在余生里只同这个人保持完美的关系。
Let's imagine that there is a perfect couple in the world. Let's imagine that we can find a person who we love deeply enough to meet each other's needs effortlessly, from intellectual communication to intimacy, from eating habits to hobbies, and keep a perfect relationship with this person for the rest of our lives.
可是,每个人都有自己微妙的独特性,极少有两个人能在所有情况下天衣无缝地匹配。在情感关系里感到委屈并不见得是每个个体的错,或许归根结底,是我们关于伴侣关系的构想本身存在问题。
However, everyone has their own subtle uniqueness, very few two people can match seamlessly in all situations. It's not everyone's fault to feel aggrieved in an emotional relationship. Perhaps, in the final analysis, it's the problem with our conception of partnership.
心理学家杰克·莫林博士曾在《情欲大脑》(1995)里给出一条“情欲公式”:吸引 + 阻碍 = 兴奋。情欲产生的必不可少的条件之一,是自己与对象之间精神上的和/或地理上的距离。
Dr. Jack Morin, a psychologist, once gave a "erotic formula" in "erotic brain" (1995): attraction + hindrance = excitement. One of the essential conditions for lust is the spiritual and / or geographical distance between oneself and the object.
莫林博士还补充说,当一段关系里的亲切、熟悉和舒适感逐渐增加时,伴侣之间的热情和性吸引力则会逐渐消退。 由此看来,又要互相见证琐碎的日常,又要彼此之间在情感上和肉体上持续产生强烈的欲望,这本来就是个浪漫得过头的美好愿望。
Dr. Maureen added that as the intimacy, familiarity and comfort of a relationship increase, the passion and sexual attraction between partners fade. From this point of view, but also to witness each other trivial daily, but also between each other in emotional and physical continue to have a strong desire, this is a romantic too good wish.
其实几百年前婚姻和爱情还是不相关的两回事。
In fact, hundreds of years ago, marriage and love were not related.
1653年,中国清朝的李渔在传奇剧本《风筝误》里让戚辅臣说出:“自古道, ‘娶妻娶德,娶妾娶色’,娶进门来,若果然容貌不济,你做状元的人,三妻四妾,任凭再娶,谁人敢来阻挡?”
In 1653, Li Yu of the Qing Dynasty asked Qi Fu Chen to say in his legendary play kite mistake: "since ancient times," marry a wife, marry virtue, marry a concubine, marry color. "If you marry in the door, if you are really poor in appearance, who dares to stop you from marrying again
当时的婚姻不是二人彼此自愿结合的象征物。女方只是男方“娶”来的一件具有实用价值的事物——实用的德行和实用的美色。男方本身的权势就已经构成了“娶”的全部条件,而别人接受他的“娶”也不是因为爱他,而是因为不敢惹他。
Marriage at that time was not a symbol of their voluntary union. The woman is just a practical thing that the man "marries" -- practical virtue and practical beauty. The man's own power has constituted all the conditions of "marriage", and others accept his "marriage" not because they love him, but because they dare not provoke him.
1740年代,法国国王出了名的喜欢公开情妇,而爱情虽然是国王和情妇们之间公认存在的因素,却并不是国王与王后婚姻的必要条件。
In the 1740s, the French king famously liked to open his mistress. Although love was a recognized factor between the king and his mistresses, it was not a necessary condition for the king and the queen to marry.
当时人们认为婚姻是为了后代和继承,爱情则是为了刺激和娱乐,一个人可以为了国家利益成婚,同时拥有几个情人。国王公开他的浪漫关系,并把它安排得和婚姻一样有条不紊。
At that time, people thought that marriage was for future generations and inheritance, while love was for stimulation and entertainment. One could get married for the national interest and have several lovers at the same time. The king made his romantic relationship public and arranged it as orderly as his marriage.
将恋爱和婚姻融合是现代人的一项英勇发明。
The combination of love and marriage is a heroic invention of modern people.
十八世纪末十九世纪初,西方资产阶级开始试图把令人愉快的事和必要的事融合在一起,他们提出,基于本能的激情,与在家庭单位里抚养孩子的务实需求,这二者之间并不存在固有的矛盾,因此浪漫也可以甚至应当发生在婚姻里。
At the end of the 18th century and the beginning of the 19th century, the western bourgeoisie began to try to combine the pleasant things with the necessary things. They proposed that there was no inherent contradiction between the passion based on instinct and the pragmatic need to raise children in the family unit. Therefore, romance can or should even occur in marriage.
1813年在英国,简·奥斯汀在她的最新小说里描写了一个颠覆性的求婚场景:英俊又富有的达西向伊丽莎白求婚,而伊丽莎白家有四个未出嫁的女儿要养活,本来答应达西的求婚显然能够极大地帮助她解决生存问题,可是伊丽莎白拒绝了,理由是达西傲慢自大。
In 1813 in England, Jane Austen described a subversive scene of marriage proposal in her latest novel: the handsome and rich Darcy proposed to Elizabeth, and the Elizabeth family had four unmarried daughters to support. The proposal that she had agreed to Darcy would obviously help her solve the problem of survival, but Elizabeth refused, because Darcy was arrogant.
这段情节显示出一个崭新的思想正在英国社会蔓延:爱情也成为了婚姻的必要条件之一。事实上,奥斯汀本人就在11年前拒绝过一桩求婚,她说,“没有任何事情比无爱的婚姻更叫人难以忍受。”
This plot shows that a new idea is spreading in British Society: love has become one of the necessary conditions for marriage. In fact, Austin herself rejected a proposal 11 years ago, saying, "nothing is more intolerable than a loveless marriage."
1930年代北伐结束前后,中国也开始逐渐流行“恋爱婚姻”。
Around the end of the northern expedition in the 1930s, "love and marriage" gradually became popular in China.
而范柳原发觉白流苏只是想同他结婚却不爱他,便说,“我犯不着花了钱娶一个对我毫无感情的人来管束我。那太不公平了。” 然而要维持长期的炽热的精神恋爱是困难重重的,经典爱情故事常常是写到主人公新婚前后就戛然而止。
Zhang Ailing's love in a fallen city (1943) reflects the era of coexistence of old and new marriage concepts: Bai Liusu, the heroine who grew up in an old family, has an insight that fan Liuyuan, the hero who came back from studying abroad, is "particular about spiritual love".
张爱玲在《倾城之恋》(1943)里反映了那个新旧婚姻观念共存的时代:生长于旧式家庭的女主角白流苏洞察到留洋回来的男主角范柳原是“讲究精神恋爱的”。
However, fan Liuyuan finds that Bai Liusu just wants to marry him but doesn't love him, so she says, "I don't need to spend money to marry someone who has no feelings for me I. That's not fair. " However, it is difficult to maintain a long-term passionate spiritual love. Classic love stories often end abruptly before and after the protagonist gets married.
但正是在二人共处的长久岁月里,那些恼人的小破事,才组成了真实的生活。如果我们有勇气承认并且承担一段长期关系里必然出现的乏味甚至矛盾,我们或许会对伴侣和自己都更加体谅,对正常关系的界定更加宽容。
But it was during their long time together that those annoying little things formed the real life. If we have the courage to admit and take on the tedious and even contradictory things that are inevitable in a long-term relationship, we may be more considerate of our partner and ourselves, and more tolerant of the definition of normal relationship.
试想,如果我们一开始相信的是实事求是的观察,而不是浪漫的空想。
Imagine if we believed in realistic observation at first, rather than romantic fantasy.
比如,一个伴侣不会给我们提供一生所需的一切。
For example, a partner doesn't give us everything we need for a lifetime.
比如,我们大概率不会生活在大宫殿里,而是会和对象生活在小公寓里,全职工作,在各种挫折中养孩子。
For example, we probably won't live in a big palace, but we will live in a small apartment with our clients, work full-time, and raise children in all kinds of setbacks.
比如,在伴侣关系里感到不快乐太正常了,而那些人为设定的“拥有了这些你才配感到快乐”的规则才是真正奇怪的。 承受了这些生活的真相,我们就不必一直为自己没能活在传说中的理想伴侣关系里而生伴侣的气,或者为自己感到羞愧。
For example, it's normal to feel unhappy in a relationship, and it's really strange to have the artificial rule that "you deserve to be happy with these things.". Bearing the truth of life, we don't have to be angry with our partner or feel ashamed of ourselves for not being able to live in the legendary ideal partnership.
妥协并不总是懦弱的做法。它很可能来自于对生活成熟的、现实的认知:在许多情况下,根本就不存在完美的选项。
Compromise is not always cowardly. It probably comes from a mature, realistic understanding of life: in many cases, there are no perfect options at all.
反过来说,拒绝妥协也不一定就是有远见的体现,如果浪漫与完美主义到了对爱人不耐烦的地步,那么这种所谓的理想伴侣关系大概也只是一个人自私、傲慢与残酷的遮羞布。 嘲笑妥协的情侣显然省事又舒爽,可是耐得住一个不完美的人类为伴,这项本领难道不值得当代人重新培养一下吗?
On the other hand, refusing to compromise is not necessarily the embodiment of foresight. If romance and perfectionism reach the point of being impatient with one's lover, then this so-called ideal partnership is probably just a cover for one's selfishness, arrogance and cruelty. Isn't it worth laughing at, but it's also worth cultivating a perfect companion?
妥协包含了我们接受自己作为受到基因和环境限制的人类个体,我们在性格上就是存在瑕疵,不可能永远跟另一个个体完美融合;我们在行为上就是难以全然理性,不可能永远事事无悔。
Compromise contains that we accept ourselves as human individuals limited by gene and environment. We are flawed in character and can't be perfectly integrated with another individual forever; we are not completely rational in behavior and can't have nothing to regret forever.
人间生活多疾苦。十一世纪时宋朝人秦观就牛郎织女年度相聚的传说抒情道:“纤云弄巧,飞星传恨,银汉迢迢暗度。金风玉露一相逢,便胜却人间无数。”
Life on earth is miserable. In the 11th century, Qin Guan of the Song Dynasty expressed his feelings on the legend of the annual gathering of Cowherd and Weaver Girl: "the fine clouds are skillful, the flying stars spread hatred, and the silver Han Dynasty is far away. Once the golden wind and the jade dew meet, they will win the world countless. "
在黄金与美玉般的秋夜,有情人渡过银河短暂相会,已胜过人世间无数个庸常的日子。
In the autumn night of gold and jade, a lover's brief meeting across the Milky way has surpassed countless ordinary days in the world.
换句话说,给人完美体验的爱情感受总是转瞬即逝的,而平淡,需要强大的包容心去忍耐的平淡,才是绵长的。 能够妥协的情侣并不是浪漫爱情的敌人,他们其实是早早地明白了长久伴侣关系的真谛。
In other words, the perfect experience of love is always fleeting, and plain, need a strong tolerance to endure the plain, is long. Compromise lovers are not the enemies of romantic love. In fact, they understand the essence of long-term partnership early.